goodbye 2010

so it's time to be cheesy and pour my heart out.

this year. a big clusterfuck.

to be thankful for:
-my experience in England.
-the ability to travel to Italy, France, Scotland and various parts of England.
-my unbelievable mother who supported me through this past year.
-my friends for supporting me/giving me some of the best memories of this year.
-my lovely grandparents who also supported me this year.
-the ability to criticize myself continuosly and realize my own mistakes and abilities.
-being rejected. you never realize how much you learn about your ability to cope without being rejected.
-the ability to cry.
-the ability to feel happiness.
-meeting my new friends all over the world who have become my family and the most caring friends i could ask for (ie: maria, maria, tat, vic, and emma).
-getting my Master's degree (and it being awarded with excellence)
-throwing myself into new situations that I would have never done in the past.
-building my own family. blood does not equal family.
-sticking up for myself more, and realizing that those who make you miserable have no place in your life.
-surviving on my own on a different continent.
-having the ability and the skill to be alone and not need something or someone to define me by.
-recognizing who i am and being happy about it. coming to terms that i am not abnormal.
-having an angel of a surgeon to repair my eye.
-meeting new friends.
-not focusing on other's opinions of me (although i still have a lot of work ahead of me on this)
-being vulnerable and letting people into my emotional relam and into my heart.

i'm writing a book, have you heard?

"when i have my own story, i'll write you all letters. despite the hard feelings and contrary to the advised advice not to do so, i believe that it would be in the story's best interest to move forward with this regard. for the writing's sake, it would complete the mindless and distressful thoughts. it would project all the proper feelings that would go with each piece. i'm not yet a swell writer, so writing to all antagonists, or real friends in this matter, would perhaps also clear the tension, and outlawed air. perhaps i'm rather pompous and pretentious for assuming that the story would want to be read, however this twisted culture thrives on the notebooks of young women who have published their thoughts that tend to float in between the barriers of the deemed pathological and acknolwegded."

you though would want to read it. if it would give you a chance to critque me, then you will be the first in line. i know i will never be wrong on this point.

it's days like these.

i believe today, december 25th, the biggest North American holiday is the saddest day of the year. today is painful and brings back the most haunting memories for me, and for a lot of people. it stirs up the hurt of great loss and unfortune. i personally, have lost half of my family, and on this day, i count down the minutes until the day is over and my fake smile can be tucked away. the second where i can return to my room, let out my tears, and remember what today is really about. i'm not a grinch or a scrooge, and to me christmas is about the chrisitan faith and their great leader, rather than the commercialization and commodification importance the West has tragically turned this day about.

to my family who is spread amongst several countries in the world, to those who i have lost, and to those who are no longer in my life, i miss you all. your memories haunt me today. and to the one person who has tortured this day for me, i still do wonder if you are thinking about me today, and if you are you should be ashamed. ashamed that your selfishness has taken over another holiday, and again for the 23rd year you have yet to think about anyone else around you.

this blog is a toast, a toast in writing to all those today who are alone, or who are missing their great loved ones far or gone, to those who are struggling to provide food for their families. this is to you and your strong hearts, for getting through the day, for perservering and demonstrating the fortitude of human kind. you are the most brave of all.

my path.

when you set out your life plan, it never turns out the way you plan it. there always tends to be bumps and curves that steer you into a complete different direction. people that you meet turn your heart a different way and soon enough you are following a new path. looking back 5 years now my life had one plan, one goal. the simple most obvious plan as a young woman- to marry my high school sweet heart, have babies, and build my white picket fence. 5 years ago, that was my designed destiny. to think back now and see myself dreaming of that saddens me. it makes me think of all the wasted potential that dream endured. 2 years after that initial plan, the plan quickly begin to change. with the help of one very powerful woman, who opened my eyes to a life i never knew existed, the thought of babies, a husband and white picket fence turned into further education, getting rid of that high school sweet heart and finding a passion in humanitarian work. 3 years after that initial thought, i sit here, a grad school graduate, world traveller, and well, i'll just say a not-so-bourgeois type of person. so i have stopped making plans. i have no idea where i will be in 5 years, perhaps resorting back to the dream of the picket fence, babies, an international volunteer or the next prime minister. who knows. my dream right now is to concentrate on today. what will make me happy today? who will make me happy today? and most importantly, how can i make those around me happy today.

a mess.

for one day i just want to have the confidence that everyone else has. the ability to be proud.

how much longer do i have to wait

everything that is done is not enough. everyone expects so much more. it's tiring. everyone requires a different piece, a different remembrance, a different way of thinking and it's hard. i have tried for so many years, thinking that i have made it for myself, thinking that i have created something that people would want. but they don't, there is always so many more expectations. it's overwhelming and tiring and i'm about to give up. apparently i'm just not good enough. no one gives anyone a break, they don't. everything they have told us is lies. we are in hell now.

the dress is green

when i was a young girl i always dreamed that one day i would get to wear a big dress. the fanciest most princess dress that could ever be bought. With a sweet-heart neckline, a long train, and a big bow at the back. But as i grew older, that dream faded, and the dress got tighter, less princess-like, and shorter. Now i dream of lace, wrapped around my neck with buttons all down my back, with the dress stopping above the knee. my dreams of that perfect day have faded into everything that is out of the ordinary. they have become fixated on that person rather than that dress. they have become situated on the value of that one special occassion that once involved a big drss. the materialistic that once brought me such great fantasy now brings me great sorrow.

when i think about it today, the dress is green. green brings out my eyes. i think they will like me in green.

delicate.

thousands of lies, thousands of scars, thousands of cries, thousands of seconds wasted.

a thousand and one, i changed my mind, and now i'm feeling indifferent and undefined.

i'll give you today.

I was never allowed to mourn you. I was never allowed to grieve. I was never allowed to cry or be upset, because you were seen as 'not good enough' for me to everyone else around me. I never had the chance to cope with the hurt feelings, and never had the chance to properly find closure. no one ever let me. they ended everything for me. i wasn't allowed to express feelings with you throughout it all. no one wanted to support it. and now you are gone, and i feel lost, there are things that i wanted to tell you that i never got the chance to do. i'm gonna take today to mourn and remember you, because you should be remembered, if not by everyone else, but by me. i owe you that at the least.

sinking.

everything just goes by so fast while i sink away into all of this.
it's beyond the measures of help.

you

my fear keeps me away from dreams and happiness. i still haven't overcome it.

crush.

you are my first crush.
i finally have one.

in the end, it's all me.

The biggest tragedy I believe is not knowing who you are. It’s my weakest point. How can you confuse yourself so much? You can’t really know anything unless you know you. Day after day I wake pleasing everyone else, not doing anything for me, trying to be at the hand of everyone else. For the last year, I changed that. I decided that I was going to set off, do something great, overcome my fear and be me. But it never happened. All I did was repeat the same mistakes I have always done. Maybe that’s just me then, a pushover, a person who can’t really speak their mind, a person who dreams but never really acts. A follower and not really leader.

Upon returning to my safety net, I made one promise to myself, I promised that I would be happy. To do whatever makes me happy. Hang out with the people that make me smile, that have shown me the values of friendship and support. So I did that, I broaden my social network, threw myself into new experiences, only to realize that perhaps this wasn’t the answer I have been searching for. Instead it was only a small bridge to make me realize the big picture. The big picture being me. My identity. Myself as a whole person.

I realized that knowing yourself is not about being a leader, or being social. It’s about looking very deep into yourself. We can describe characteristics that describe us. But that list changes as you grow and develop and face hardships. Knowing yourself, to me anyways, has become the ability of knowing yourself deeply. Knowing what challenges have created you as an entity. What battles have layered your conscious of emotions. Knowing what breaks you down, and knowing how to cope with it all. Anyone can become that big superstar, doctor, lawyer, professor, but it’s not about that. It’s about the mechanisms that keep you going each and every day.

Right now i’m still struggling. Going through major changes and learning new things about the people I have known for 23 years. So I can’t know myself fully, I can’t know how I will react to each new situation, but I can describe how I will feel emotionally, and how those emotions will affect me tomorrow. I can tell you what purely makes me happy, deep down, not the materialistic commodities that surround my life. I’m still learning, as I will be when I reach the age of 50. With maturity and practice comes great success they say. After 23 years and a carton full of baggage, I’m ready to embrace the rest of the challenges of my life, because they are only going to get harder. At some point, we all have to surrender, take a leap back, breathe, and realize that it’s all going to be okay.

sympathy

i'm tired of explaining the situation. i don't want to hear about it. i'm tired of dwelling on the past. thinking about it doesn't do me any good. people always assume i want to talk about it, they feel sorry for me, like it's something tragic. tragedy is accompanied by misery, and i'm not miserbale. i believe it's for the best, meant to be part of the plan. i'm not sure how much i believe in destiny, but somehow if this incident never happened to me, the rest of my life wouldn't have, so i guess destiny accompanies tragedy.

leave it

if someone has more baggage does that make them more wise? or does it simply make them dangerous? i think it makes them more promising, less fearful of risks.

i have more baggage than my own age. the bitter sweet life i have lived is more than some want to discuss. if you can't handle it then leave it. you're not welcome to know it.

this is why my blogs don't make sense. it's only a cluster fuck of emotions.

Dear Y

Thank you for messing me up for the rest of life. Thank you for being so psychotic and disrespecting everything I wanted. Thank you for breaking all my trust for the rest of my life. You left me with nothing, nothing but having your little finger wrapped around my brain so that you can manipulate me whenever you want. I can never let go what you did.

It's so unfair that you now realize what you did was so so wrong. It's not fair that no one else has to go through what i went through. It's unfair that no one else will get to see how you really are. The way you turn. I wish i could tell them all, but I can't and I won't because it is below me.

thank you for destroying me, turning me into someone i don't even know, someone i don't want to know. a bitter bitch.

my name

i'm desperate for something concrete.
with all the accomplishments and success, loneliness still prevails.
the world is unfair.
it pushes you through at a speed greater than light and at the end of the tunnel, nothing is waiting.
nothing but you and empty space.
nothing but the loneliness of yourself, to wait in the purgatories of transitional air until it's time to move on into nothingness.

what's the point?

fear.

i'm the type of person that is scared of life. i'm scared of everything around me. i'm scared of rejection, and i'm scared of anything going well. perhaps this is due to the fear of change, or the fear of more pain. the fear that another person hurting me is more than i can handle. the fear that i will fall so in love that i will completely lose myself all over again. the fear that i will never regain my strength.

today i learned that life is about getting through those fears. even though they haunt me throughout every minute of everyday, i should forget about the consequences, i should live for the moment, take the chance, otherwise the chance may be gone forever. i'm trying to do this, trying to make myself more spontaneous, trying to do what makes me happy. it's hard though, and takes a lot of time and experience to get to the point where you don't care what everyone around you thinks or wants you to do.

a year and a half ago i took a big step, made a decision that at the end of the day made me extremely happy. it had consequences, but not very big ones, the people that loved me are still around today and the ones that didn't agree with my decision, well there wasn't many anyways, aren't around which in the end was for the better.

i guess i can learn a lot from my own experience, learn that it will be ok. doing things for me and taking chances that have ultimate risks may lead to the better. they may also not, but at the end of the day, if they don't, i have the support system and a network of friends around the world that can get through my day until i have recuperated my strength. and i will recuperate, everyone always does.

mess.

i don't know how to get out of this mess. will you please send me a sign, tell me what to do.

oh the unspeakable things.

in the beginning

i have given a lot up for you too. we all have. and even though you have given up your life, and everything you ever had, i'm trying too, trying to make it better. it doesn't mean I'm ready for everything to just drastically change. even though it has. i would give up my world for you a hundred times and i hope you know that. but you have to remember who was here before he was. remember that through those times, i was there. i saw everything, and have fresh memories. i wish i could tell you i'm a wreck, a complete basket case on most days. but i won't surface the pain in front of you. i don't think you can handle it. i'm still grieving, and i will be for a long time to come.

really?

please don't talk to me to prove something. grow up and talk to me because you want to talk to me. nothing is every going to change with you. you're just you.

the day of the dead.

yesterday was the day of the dead.

i remember when you taught me that death was beautiful, you told me it was a good thing, you told me it was meant to happen. i guess that's why the dying leaves in the fall are pretty, and the values of life are only discovered through death.

it's sad that we continue to spend the day of the dead as a materialistic commodity and forget about the tradition of celebrating the lives that have left this world.

it's always the little lessons you taught me that keep me grounded. keep my head from being consumed by mindless power. thank you.

innocence.

my heart sank last night. i saw you again, it's been months. this time we said hi. i can't wait until that moment happens again.

karma.

i hope it's true what they say, you sink in your own misery after you create it.

goodluck with this one. you are never going to get out of it, and i know, you secretly love it. bitch.

my little secret.

sometimes i just sit and wonder, wonder if you have any remorse, any regret, feel any pain. i wonder if you are thinking about me, thinking if you even want to know me. my heart was broken for a long time over the thought that you didn't care about all the hurt you caused. you just blamed everyone else for your mistakes. i guess people don't think before they reproduce. they just act, without any concern of the concesequences of having a child. some neglect the idea that a child is forever, not for just how long you decide to care for it. the hurt that you have caused in my life will never go away, and no one can understand how deep that hurt lies. the thought of you immediately brings tears to my eyes. it erases all my happiness. i wonder if that will ever stop. i wonder how that pain that has been encased within my soul will continue to effect me everyday. i guess we are all neglected, it's just truly hard when that neglect is from a father.

my choice.

i love it how people assume that i can read their mind. i know their schedules, when i am supposed to call them, ultimately when i am supposed to put in the effort. it's incredibly hard when the effort is always only one way. my life, i have spent catering to everyone around me, so when i got sick of it, i took a few months to myself and stopped catering. i let those who wanted to cater to me, show me that they had appreciated all my catering and wanted to return it. i learned a lot. i saw things that changed everything, changed them in ways i don't think they can ever go back to.

take the smart advice, you, yourself, can only make you happy. others don't. they won't. aside from your life partner, or parents (and even they can be a let down) you are alone in this world. everything you do, every choice you make only effects you in the end. your happiness is essentially your choice, and if people don't like it because that means you are not their caterer anymore then those people might not be worth catering to anyways.

some of the best advice i have ever been given is---keep those who make you happy in your life, the rest you don't need.

this is what you did.

i never give anyone a chance, and i think it's all your fault. im scared everyone is going to turn out like you.

dream

i dreamt of you last night. we were happy. probably the best dream i've had in awhile. you loved me, and it worked. perhaps the dream was a prediction. perhaps it was not. i secretly hope it was. i will love you too.

brick wall.

change is inevitable. it happens every millisecond of every day. most people hate it, as the hurt and pain that automatically become attached to it. i guess change can be good, even when we don't want it to happen. it shakes you up, forces you to see what brick wall your about to hit. most importantly it shows you what you might loose, or have already lost. it teaches you things nothing else in the world can. it shows you a complete new perspective. whether you are ready or not, it shows you what's true. even if the truth has been there the whole the time.

i love you not.

today i am going to make a promise to myself that i should have made a long time ago.

i promise to never let myself tell another that i love them unless i actually do.

becasue, most of them have been lies.

you.

my undying problem

i figured out my problem.

i am attracted to, and vastly attract, people who are SELFISH. if you are selfish, we will probably date one day. Or at least converse for 3-4 months, and you will boss me around, treat me like shit, but i will take it, day in and day out, until i snap, and then it's over and i'm on to the next pathetic self absorbed asshole who, when looks out into the world only sees themsevles.

perhaps one day i'll learn. until then, biological magnet, attract the next weirdo/sick/self-absorbed/twisted/pathetic/no social skills loser please.

death.

Death is a funny thing. We are always running from it. In Tibet they prepare for it. From a child you are taught how to die. To the spiritual world death is a transformation, into the great eternity. In the West, death is a tragedy, a transformation into the unknown. If we were trained how to die, essentially, we would live better. We would live happier, living each day to the fullest. Whatever that might be. Appreciating every moment of every day. Our souls would always be prepared. And our sorrows always forgiven. Instead, we spend our days running from death. Hiding from it and trying so hard to prevent it. Hiding from the true values and realizations of life.

sorrow

confusion. one scary thing. scarrier than any other emotion.

and to be confused about your whole life feels like drowning into emptiness.

a thank you.

"a teacher affects eternity: she can never tell where her influence stops".


i realize now how important you were in my life, and how much i actually do need you.

stop hoping

everyday i wish i could i see you again. in every place i go i hope that i will magically meet you there. there are no words to describe how much i miss you.

i'm talking to you.

and what if all we joked about came true? what if all we laughed about wasn't just a joke, what if it was a secret I was secretly hoping for? i don't want to make the wrong decision. I want you to show me how you really feel. I'm not going to lie, I am scared. Very scared. What if we can't turn back time and remove all the hurt if it doesn't work. Too many what if's. Too many fears. How about we just live. live like we have found each other. found what we have been looking for for all of our lives. why are we wasting time? love is all that is time.

values.

time is all you have. and you may find one day that you have less than you think. so don't waste it.

do what makes you happiest.

barriers.

brick walls are there for a reason. they give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

change.

"When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientists crazy
because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy.
Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's
the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to
what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we
cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on
believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this
lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change
that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second
chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it
can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another
chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again."

cosmic love.

it's always better than before.

what comes is better than what came before. through every choice we make, through every decision, and every person we choose, they are always better than what we choose before. until the perfect one is found, we will keep choosing.

take me back to the good old days.

right now, at this point in my life, i'm not okay.
i feel like i'm bitter, tired, jaded, annoyed, and extremely frustrated.
i keep asking when life will turn right.
but perhaps it never does. perhaps this is it. for the next 5 decades or how many ever it takes for me to find my peace. maybe this is what we should all expect, living day to day running around to complete useless tasks that occupy our time but have no real purpose. waste our energy and emotions on things that really don't matter. it's sad isn't it? it's sad that at my age i already feel tired from life, i feel like the fun is over. i guess this is part of the process, it's part of the change that occurs in your mid-twenty crisis that i think everyone begins to go through. As Hannah had once mentioned, the day you leave undergrad, nothing will ever be the same. she was right. once you leave a place that has defined you for the past 19 years, ie: school, there is nothing left to define you, nothing left to distract you from the daily horrors of life. You are on someone else's time now, working for them. it's sad, but true. life is hard, and this is just the beginning.

i guess this is why alcohol was invented.

you will never understand.

you will never understand how much i want you to leave me alone. what's done is done, it's over and too much has come and gone. your crazy excuses don't guilt me, they push me away farther and farther. I'm at the point now where i regret you. I regret the day i gave you my email. i wish i could erase you from my life. please, please, please, just leave me alone.

commitment

commitment. a very scary word to most. with commitment comes great sacrifices. with commitment comes great fear, and great loss. it can also come with great love. however, i have yet to see that form of commitment. that form that is bound together through trust and love. throughout my life, commitment has haunted me. it has scarred me, and my friends, and reveled the true sides of some. for me, personally, it's a big step. a big step i'm not always sure i'm ready to make. today, the topic of commitment has disappointed me once again, and left me with another broken heart. i hope that some day, someone will change this disappoitment, my hopes though of this, at this point in my life are slim.

society.

smile, let me take your picture.
don't you know you're always under the scrutiny of others.
everyone is always watching; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
you're always on show, society never takes a break.
it's always there to judge you.

too analytical

today i hate the most about myself is that i can't keep my mind made up.
i try so hard to always just know. my major flaw--that i can never 'just go with the flow.'

my actress

i love one of my best friends maria so much.
i hope this year she can find strength and overcome everything she has been through.
when someone is so kicked down by life i constantly hope that something will give for them. there has to be balance of bad and good, doesn't there?

sometimes i wonder why such good people in life are always submersed with bad things. why is negative energy constantly following her.


r.i.p, she will never forget you.

another rant about finding yourself.

There comes a point when desperation becomes reality. when i lose myself to be something that is not me. All of my close friends tell me with experience your soul is unveiled; you become aware of your true aspirations, your dreams, opinions, and desires. You get to the know the part of you that drives your daily function. But when something happens, something or someone comes into your life so uncontrollable and throws everything that you have claimed to be 'what you are' off balance you begin to question everything you have believed in. You begin to feel lost in touch with your inner being. Many philosophers, wise mentors, and loved ones, in my life, have claimed that sometimes life is predetermined, set by a master plan, controlled by that 'gut feeling' or 'little voice'. So then that leaves me with so many questions, confused with the idea that experience is meant to hurt us. Is it meant to beat us down and hold us there until we curl into a ball and can't take it anymore? If right now, this year, I am supposed to get mixed into things that are not 'normally' me, things that will cause me to lose myself once again and essentially reveal another layer of my core, I feel belittled. I feel incapable of being heartbroken once again. I am not sure why you are in my life right now since i know deep down you are everything I stand against, and worse, I know you are going to hurt me, but there still lingers in my heart a reason i can't let you go yet. I think the reason might be--in the short time i have known you, you have revealed to me parts of myself i never knew i stood for, and there not necessarily always good things. But things worth revealing, things worth knowing.

true colours

people are scary. when there true emotions come out it's a scary thing.
i wonder if that is with everyone, or if one day i will love the scariness of a person.

note

they might forget what you said, but they won't forget how you made them feel.

good life.

if i never met you, i would have never got through any of it.

soulmate.

I’m a hopeless romantic, hoping that one day I will be completely swept off of my feet. It takes years to be able to find that true love. As Elizabeth Gilbert stated, there is no such thing as one soulmate, instead we have many, each to bring about another layer of our skin and show us a deeper purpose of love and ourselves. Gilbert however, misses the point of the soulmate. She underestimates the power of love. She underestimates the beauty of fate. Not everyone believes in fate, but to me fate is my religion. Love, everyone you meet, says my mentor, as her life has taught her the endless power of love, and the true understandings of spiritual love. Although Gilbert is correct in displaying the purpose of the soulmate, she is incorrect that they leave your life. For every soulmate revealed to me, they continue to linger in my heart. Their lesson and love to me is never replaced. Although I don’t see them every day, or perhaps ever again, their love and support is always there. We as a species are so consumed with the physicality of love, forgetting about the power of spiritual love. Love doesn’t die, and it is always forgiven. For those soulmates that touched my heart, who have revealed a part of me I didn’t know existed, they will always lay with me, deep in my core. I’m extremely excited to continue to meet my soulmates that continue to be revealed to me until I meet the one, the one that will be there forever. The one that will support me in the way no one else can. Through the faith of love, I have hope, hope that my corny romantic heart will find what we are all searching for.

to you.

i'm starting to let you in and i'm scared.
i know i have to let my guard down, but it's hard.
by doing that, it changes everything.

friends.

Perhaps i am a bit strange, but all i ever want to do is hang out with my friends.
I blow of dates, and relationships because i know they will take away too much time from being with my friends. The satisfaction I feel from belonging to a group of girls that know me better than I perhaps know myself is quite scary, yet fulfilling. Maybe this feeling stems from the horrid memories of my late teenager years when my life consisted around my boyfriend. Whatever the reason is, my friends have become my life. I know they will never disappear, or forget about me, and will be there at the end of dates and relationships. But still, there is nothing i'd rather do on a Friday night more than sit around someones room reminiscing about the previous weekend. Maybe i'm still immature, or just scared of having my heart broken again so I stick to the safe side. But I don't think that's the answer. I think sometimes when you feel so comfortable to be your weird self, you don't care about being with anyone else. You are so happy to be with the ones who accept you for who are, who don't care if you are grumpy one night, a bitch for having a bad day, a debbie downer, a negative nancy, or just simply sad. My mood instantly changes when I see my friends. As odd as we are, I love us.

quiet in my town.

today is quiet in my town.

today is about reflection. judgement passes and there is silence.
2 men passed. grief, distress, distraught. they left this earth with no mark.

today is the day. time to reflect, time to forgive.
time to move on, and time to forget.

upon the unfolding layers, we are all found.
deep down, we are all hoping for that peace.

today is quiet in my town.
today is too quiet in my town.

bring back the sun.

2 weeks ago. i was amazed.

honey.

you give me this hummingbird heartbeat.

pain

Death is not supposed to be scary. It's so supposed to cure all pain. How can that be true if when you die you miss people. Missing people and experiences is the most painful thing I have ever felt.

eng.

sometimes i cry because i miss waking up to this every morning.

england, you stole my heart.

bland

we are nothing alike. only one thing in common.
that thing can't take us far.

it's just fun, hope we both remember that in the end.
sometimes i question what my border is? how far will i push to be everything that is not me?

tragedy.

today i changed my mind.
i dont want to be me anymore.

i dont want to be this manifestation that i have created.
nothing feels right.
i feel like i've only created a product of you.

maybe i dont identify like this anymore.
why does everyone else get to know?
it's unfair, isn't it?

headspin.

there is just something about you, i can't put my finger on it yet, but it kind of makes my heart flutter.

over and gone.

ask me again the same question. you have only been asking it for 11 months now. maybe it will sink in this time. oh, but we broke up a year ago. but that's okay, apparently i'm leagally tied to answer every question you ask me. in what century do you live in?

and then lies. apparently i lie all the time. really? hmmmm.....should we think about lies. MANIPULATION. over and over and over agin? it will never end.

but ask me again why i don't want to see you.....perhaps it could be the CONTROL you have. the guilt trips. it's always about the things i OWE YOU. how FAIR i have to be.

well here is to FAIRNESS. how about you resepct something i have asked you for the past year....how about you wrap your little head around that idea that you can't tell me what to do. that you have to let me go.

maybe i should remind you this for the very last time,
"love is allowing the freedom of one to CHANGE". not tying them up and making them play by your rules.

goodbye to my push over self. the last leg just broke.

miss you.

when you miss someone send them love and good life and drop it.

don't hold on. it doesn't do anyone well.

to you, sort of.

You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,

reminder.

don't ever forget the ones that were there when the others ones weren't.

precious time.

we're all just waiting. counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds for a certain time. and when a special moment happens, a moment that usually only lasts 3 seconds, we never forget it. we hold it so close to our hearts forever, replaying those 3 seconds in our minds over and over again. And then we wait, wait until the time when those 3 seconds may happen again, hoping that those 3 seconds turn into 5.

we count down the years, months, and days until that moment can occur again, counting down time, but claiming there is never enough time.

most of our time is just spent waiting, waiting for a moment we have waited for for what seems like an eternity.

it's not about you.

wounds

What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

friendship

thank you for being you.

i've just seen a face i like.

theresalwaystheonethatchangesyourheartforever.iloveyoukay.

pure true wisdom

"We are who we think we are in relation to one another. We are only who we are becoming in relation to one another. This is why sexuality is about how we behave around everyone we meet. Our identity becomes based on our relationships, so when our relationships fail, we no longer know who we are. Self-knowledge is really situated on the ongoing life of sexuality which is continuously changing. We really can only determine what we really want if we know ourselves deeply. By being aware of our choices, we can make the choices we want in order to live our life. When we fully understand ourselves, each choice, experience, and relationship becomes deeper."

--the speech that changed my life forever.

(mentor, april 2009)

difference.pressure.change.

if knowing anything about myself, it's that i am different from a lot of people.
my goal, my dream, my ultimate longing, is to be able to teach people.
teach people about the tragedies of oppression and the loss of equity of agency for those born without privilege. i want nothing more in my life then to one day stand up in front of hundreds of people teaching them about the fundamentals of human rights and great leaders who have altered the social welfare of societies and cultures.

i have a plan. a big one. one that scares me to pieces. one that holds great confidence. one that changes each and every single relationship i hold today. one that requires confidence and leadership, and one that may take me so far away.

dreams ARE scary. they can change everything. they bring you to places you would never believe.

i'm determined to overcome this fear, become this person i've always wanted to be.

experience

It requires something more than personal experience to gain a philosophy or point of view from any specific event. It is the quality of our response to the event and our capacity to enter into the lives of others that help us to make their lives and experiences our own.


--Emma Goldman, 1934

iloveyoukay.

the taste of vodka, oh so bittersweet.
you, me, the tango's sweep.
your apparel, it melts away.
it's fine black.
it's fine white.


love, it's only for the wise eye.
the sun takes it in, the clouds spit it out.

put your umbrealla up because hearts are falling from the sky.

--Kay

already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right,
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

from the bottom of my heart.

today you told me we would have already been engaged for a year. it makes my heart hurt to think back to those times. those times when we spent every waking minute together. planning our life together and building a family. when i think about it now, it makes my stomach turn. i miss you. i'll always miss you. you were my first love and that love will never die.

i am thankful though. thankful that i made that decision. through all the pain i caused, the decision was still the best one. if i didn't break you i would have never been as happy and experienced as i am today. i would have never been myself. i would have never gone to england. i would have never questioned my entire being.

i still thank the person that opened my eyes the most and showed me life can be different, it can be what i want it to be.

as i sit here now, teary eyed, thinking that perhaps today would have been that big day. that day full of expectations, the big white dress, and the day i would have promised you something i would have never meant, i don't regret that big decision. not even a little bit.

performativity

Gender is performative insofar as it is the effect of a regulatory regime of gender differences in which genders are divided and hierarchized under constraint. Social constraints, taboos, prohibitions, threats of punishment operate in the ritualized repetition of norms, and this repetition constitutes the temporalized scene of gender construction and destabilization. There is no subject who precedes or enacts this repetition of norms. To the extent that this repetition creates an effect of gender uniformity, a stable effect of masculinity or femininity, it produces and destabilizes the notion of the subject as well, for the subject only comes into intelligibility through the matrix of gender.

missing

i think about you every single day.
from the first day i met you i think about you.
i know you don't think about me,
but it's okay. i don't mind.

i always pray that you're okay.
if you weren't, my whole world would come crashing down.

i just hope you know how much i miss you.
i think you do know.

i also think you know you'll see me again. one day.
just like the day we met. fate will play its turn and there you will be.
all over agin, like the first day.
i needed you, and you came. showing me completely different ways.



i'll just leave it up to fate, but continue wishing every single day that i see you come my way.

change.

“Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, that gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way of letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember that, amid all the crap, there are a few things worth holding on to.”

specs

they say to make as many contacts in life as possible. to meet as many probable, and keep as many friends as able. without contacts we would go no where, and discover nothing. for every opportunity i have been given, most have been brought on by a contact. close or not, a contact may change your life.




---my mentor

soul mate

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

--Elizabeth Gilbert

courage

JFK said that courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy, a man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures and that is the basis of all morality.

forgiveness

we are puppets, scripted by the creator, predetermined by the master plan.

my purpose, i was told, to learn how to forgive.
forgive and you will seek.

i guess that's why it is so hard to forgive, it's my lesson. my lesson desgined for me.

it's too hard to forgive you, 23 years of damage cannot be forgotton in one day.

it will take an eternity, perhaps longer.

is it even possible for one to fully forgive? for a heart to become fully mended again?

break down.

i'm ready to break down my ice cold shield and find you.

i hope i find you fast because i don't want to wait long.

i'm ready.

england

there are no words to describe how i feel right now as the best year of my life is officially coming to an end. to the friends i have made around the world, to the places that i have visited, and to the beauty i have experienced, i am lost for words.

to my new sisters maria p, maria s, vic, emma, and tatevik, who i shared this experience with, i feel so lucky to have had this oppurtunity to meet such wonderful people and find friendships that will last a lifetime.

no other experience could have made me grow as strong as i did this year, and no other experience could teach me about life and the world the way this year did.

i am so fortunate to have made a family around the world.

i love you girls.

brown eyes

crossing the line.

i constantly get boggled down trying to understand the limited minds of some. to suppress someone because of their sexual orientation is something i will never personally understand. i am so fortunate and privleged to come from a society that is based upon equal rights and oppurtunities for citizens, granting agency to their citizens without dependent measures of race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Pehaps, i have grown up 'too open-minded' to some, as i have been raised by my mother whose mentality is situated on the rights of personal choice and personal growth of each individual. to me, scolding one because of their sexual orientation is something i can't bear to witness.

to my dear friend who is suffering during this time, please stay strong, you have tremendous support around you. hang in there, and i promise i'll always be here for you.

get on.

manipulation is the name of the game.
immaturity, i think so.
it won't go on this time.

guilt control is the weapon of power.
selfish, i think so.
it won't go on this time.

mind games are the price to bid on.
control, i think so.
it won't go on this time.


love, is about allowing the freedom of one to change. not holding them back, not scolding them for developing, and not constantly tricking them into staying.

the end has come, i wish you well.

anthem

stop crying your heart out

Cause all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

you'll never change what's been and gone.

you.

Before you,
My whole life was acapella.

Now a symphonys
The only song to sing .

tell her

a thank you that words could not express

for the past two years, i have been truly blessed to have been brought my personal mentor. she has been a secret really, a secret that has helped kept me sane at the most difficult time of my life. through her teachings she has helped me learn about the most precious aspects of life that most take for granted. she keeps me grounded by showing me the values of life, and developing our connection with our inner selves.

i am so incredibly fortunate to have the oppurtunity to be her student and learn the ways of life under her.

thank you for your constant words of inspiration, you'll never know how much i appreciate you.

love always.

words.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
Think love. Be love.



--my mentor.

plastic.

i don't want to be just another pretty bitch in the street.
i'm not a carbon copy of what you want.
i value difference.

the illuminati in drama libre

A man...a woman...he...she...the story...who needs many words?
A truth...a lie...what is reality?
How many times do words take to end a relationship?
It seems a challenging task in a romance.
But it never stops us for searching love.
Welcome to join us in a ridiculous world.
--Alice Gerstengberg

words

What do you do when you realize that although you many have years of history, and found real value in each other in times past, that you kind of don't like a friend anymore? That, after time spent with this person, you feel drained, empty, belittled or insulted. My father always used to tell me that, 'you can't make new old friends.' How do you distinguish if someone in your life makes you change for the better of if you are better off without them?

lucky

my mentor told me that life is about memories.

she told me that through memories we see the beauty of life.

she was right.
she's always right.

and so they say

a night i will never forget

one of the best concerts of my life.

swim far

go over the pond they say.

i heard once that you can find yourself over the pond.

so i went.
i swam all the way there.
but when i got there i couldn't find myself.

i was gone.
i searched and searched but wasn't there.

i then realized that what I had come to find wasn't over the pond
but it was with me the whole time.
i was standing in front of what i was looking for the whole time.
but i wasn't whole. i was damaged, broken, and scared.

but, from across the pond i looked different, I could see myself in a completely different way.
i could understand the brokenness.
i could find meaning to the damage,
and value to the fear.

i realized that these things made me whole.
they made me understand myself perfectly.
they made me realize all that i have become today.

so they were right when they told me to cross that pond.
it wasn't about finding a new self, but instead finding the means to view your perfect self.

I'm ready now to go back across the pond. go back and tell others how i found what i was looking for, and perhaps help them find what they may be searching for.

worth

i can't bear the 100 questions.
every day, full of non sense
full of answers i can't face
full of things I don't know.

i can't answer them anymore
i'm sorry i don't feel what you want me to feel.

i wish you knew that you're only pushing me farther away.

my favourite song

mam krasny sen

the 5 inevitable stages

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

i really miss you.

27.

In 27 days a big chapter of my life will be closing.
I'm not quite sure I'm ready for this closure to occur yet.

my life through signs.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.'
-- Elizabeth Gilbert

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

pain

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling.

anxiety

Yes or no. In or out. Up or down. Live or die. Hero or coward. Fight or give in. I'll say it again to make sure you hear me. The human life is made up of choices. Live or die. That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

judge

i never ever want to be normal
because normal is boring

be wrong

mabye life is all about doing the wrong things
because the right never seems to be right.

the dog days are over

the horses are coming so you better run fast.

the inevitable struggle

it's okay to be lost in the wrong
lost in the things that don't matter
lost in the material
lost in yourself
lost in anything you know
lost in the most worst possible way.

because if you never got lost, then how could you ever find the way?
i hope to loose myself again, again, and again;

so many times that i meet the wrong people,
go the wrong way,
love the wrong hearts,
and share the wrong experiences.

because if i didn't then I wouldn't know anything about anything.
most imporantly, I wouldn't have lost myself in letting you break my heart and making me the fabulous person i am today.

so go on, get lost.
it's usually always worth it.

the dream.

this city is where my heart lies.

lets paint the town.

dancing is my therapy.

Mum.

Thank you for your support, and for showing me the value of life.
One day I hope to be half as strong as you.
you'll always be my best friend.
love.

love.

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks... The work for which all other work is but preparation.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

Orlan

she speaks my language.

if we didn't have people like Orlan in the world, beauty may cease to exist without the constraits of a man.

Dear Prick,

The saddest news a child may face is hearing that their parent doesn't want to know them.

For the first time in my life, I don't want to know you either.

sad news.

“They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!” - Lea Delaria

nice world we live in.
sad. very very sad.

heart

heartbreak makes me a dancer.

should i ever leave?

at some point the beauty begins to wear off.

i'll hide my heart away

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And this is how the story goes.