another rant about finding yourself.

There comes a point when desperation becomes reality. when i lose myself to be something that is not me. All of my close friends tell me with experience your soul is unveiled; you become aware of your true aspirations, your dreams, opinions, and desires. You get to the know the part of you that drives your daily function. But when something happens, something or someone comes into your life so uncontrollable and throws everything that you have claimed to be 'what you are' off balance you begin to question everything you have believed in. You begin to feel lost in touch with your inner being. Many philosophers, wise mentors, and loved ones, in my life, have claimed that sometimes life is predetermined, set by a master plan, controlled by that 'gut feeling' or 'little voice'. So then that leaves me with so many questions, confused with the idea that experience is meant to hurt us. Is it meant to beat us down and hold us there until we curl into a ball and can't take it anymore? If right now, this year, I am supposed to get mixed into things that are not 'normally' me, things that will cause me to lose myself once again and essentially reveal another layer of my core, I feel belittled. I feel incapable of being heartbroken once again. I am not sure why you are in my life right now since i know deep down you are everything I stand against, and worse, I know you are going to hurt me, but there still lingers in my heart a reason i can't let you go yet. I think the reason might be--in the short time i have known you, you have revealed to me parts of myself i never knew i stood for, and there not necessarily always good things. But things worth revealing, things worth knowing.