The biggest tragedy I believe is not knowing who you are. It’s my weakest point. How can you confuse yourself so much? You can’t really know anything unless you know you. Day after day I wake pleasing everyone else, not doing anything for me, trying to be at the hand of everyone else. For the last year, I changed that. I decided that I was going to set off, do something great, overcome my fear and be me. But it never happened. All I did was repeat the same mistakes I have always done. Maybe that’s just me then, a pushover, a person who can’t really speak their mind, a person who dreams but never really acts. A follower and not really leader.
Upon returning to my safety net, I made one promise to myself, I promised that I would be happy. To do whatever makes me happy. Hang out with the people that make me smile, that have shown me the values of friendship and support. So I did that, I broaden my social network, threw myself into new experiences, only to realize that perhaps this wasn’t the answer I have been searching for. Instead it was only a small bridge to make me realize the big picture. The big picture being me. My identity. Myself as a whole person.
I realized that knowing yourself is not about being a leader, or being social. It’s about looking very deep into yourself. We can describe characteristics that describe us. But that list changes as you grow and develop and face hardships. Knowing yourself, to me anyways, has become the ability of knowing yourself deeply. Knowing what challenges have created you as an entity. What battles have layered your conscious of emotions. Knowing what breaks you down, and knowing how to cope with it all. Anyone can become that big superstar, doctor, lawyer, professor, but it’s not about that. It’s about the mechanisms that keep you going each and every day.
Right now i’m still struggling. Going through major changes and learning new things about the people I have known for 23 years. So I can’t know myself fully, I can’t know how I will react to each new situation, but I can describe how I will feel emotionally, and how those emotions will affect me tomorrow. I can tell you what purely makes me happy, deep down, not the materialistic commodities that surround my life. I’m still learning, as I will be when I reach the age of 50. With maturity and practice comes great success they say. After 23 years and a carton full of baggage, I’m ready to embrace the rest of the challenges of my life, because they are only going to get harder. At some point, we all have to surrender, take a leap back, breathe, and realize that it’s all going to be okay.
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