patience

one of the hardest challenges I always tend to face is my struggle with patience. I tend to jump from one thing to the next because i dont want to be lost in transistion. I dont want to be undefined. I do everything without thinking it all the way through. it has come back to haunt me many times, and still today, after making this mistake several times, i sit here and repeat it again. im searching for something i dont even know what im searching for. its frustrating and daunting. in the end, im going to have to wait anyways, so i mind as well slow down, enjoy the transition time and wait for it, because my forceful nature is not bringing it along any faster.

balance.

perhaps karma and fate are true, you can't have everything, there has to be a balance. perhaps that's the way life works, when you deem your life as fabulous, the balance just doesn't work right, and things become broken.

it's only you.

when you are an infant you are completely dependent on your parents.
when you are a child you are dependent on your parents, family, teachers, and other children.
when you are a teenager you are dependent on your friends.
when you are a young adult you are dependent on your girlfriend or boyfriend.
when you are an adult, you are dependent on another adult.
when you are a full adult you are a dependent on you.

in the end, you got yourself. yourself to live with, yourself to cope with, yourself to get angry with, yourself to admit to, yourself to love, yourself to hurt, and yourself to do what only you truly want to do. you become you, and you can't depend on anyone else to fix or change that. at the end of the day you lie down with you, collect your thoughts, try to put all the pieces together and regardless of who is in the room with you, you can only be you by being dependent on your own self.

remember this for once.

the most important things in life aren't things.

life isn't fair.

I hate the saying "life isn't fair". It isn't fair, so why constantly reiterate it. Everything I have earned in my life, I have worked my ass off for. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I've struggled with all aspects of my life, often scrapping by, barely just making any of the final cut offs. Personally, I feel like all my work has never paid off. It has never taken me anywhere I wanted to be. I am thankful for a lot, but have never been given any breaks. When I look around, there are just some people who get it all. They don't have to work hard, things just simply come to the them with minimal effort. I often ask "how is this fair, how do they get it all?", and i'm most often left with the answer "life isn't fair". Well who chooses what is fair? who decides who has to work hard and who doesn't? Why do I have to struggle to get what most others always seem to be given. And, i'm not ignorant, and relaize that millions have a lot less than I do, but that realization just further spraks my misunderstanding of the issue of "fairness". I'm left to believe that there is no such thing as "fairness" in the world. It just doesn't exist. You are either born with it or not perhaps, and when people say everyone gets their turn, do they really? Because I can mention a long list who get it all but have never and never will get their own. Fairness seeks only the privileged.

adjustment guy.

maybe your born with that set. the plan all drawn out. the adjustment bureau. slapping you back onto plan. regardless of wanting something or not, you have to wait. the time waiting could be years or months, but can only fall into place when it's set to. some big entitiy just drawing out the plans, day in and day out and his angels carrying us through the actions motionless. itsn't that the way people fall into the things? isn't that why we have to be at a certain place at a certain time at a certain second? isn't that the answer.....

right now i'm mad at the plan. whoever wrote it has something against me i think.

why start it?

am i giant joke? why initiate something then pull back? why begin to open up and then completely revert back? why invite me in and then hold back? why start this and then stop? i don't need to be dragged around and played with. your multiple layers scream your insecurities. your selfishness emanates your fear, the fear of actually letting someone close. it's deep with you so i'm going to try a little harder, but you got to budge, at least a little.

birthday.

it's days that matter the most that are the biggest disappointments. i have big expectations, i'm a big dreamer, and set myself up to always expect the worst. tomorrow is my birthday. i dislike my birthday. it brings back awful memories of being tormented and ridiculed because the attention would be on me for one day. i never enjoyed. my mother is the only person i ever remember trying on my birthday. she would do everything in her power to try to make me happy and get the perfect gifts. for once, i would really like to have the day about me. i'm not selfish, i've just never had that. my friends look for the most perfect birthday dress, plan the most perfect parties, celebrate three or more times, and i've just never had that. so every year, at this time i set myself up for disappointment. maybe one year i'll learn that there is no point in hoping. i'm just going to get hurt anyways.

truth or pretend

the choice is there, right in front me, a life of oppression or a life of denial. is it a choice? does anyone choose oppression? do people choose to be constantly hurt, diminished, and broken? do they choose freedom? is it a real choice? are we born into choices? i have two choices, one of pretend, in a world that does not seem real. a world of barbie and ken, or a world of truth, so true the reality is breathless. i'm not good at making choices, they are often done to suit others. it might take me a few times to make the right choice. i will circle the right one ten times before landing on it. perhaps there is no real choice, just a mess of paths. in the end though, oppression seems right. it seems to fit more then pretend. i dont want to be barbie and barbie does want to be me. she would be offended. i'll choose truth then, regardless of the consequences.

to friendship.

the past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks my group of friends have endured. at the drop of a hat, the lives of the 6 of us changed, instantly. we were left breathless, devastated, and completely heartbroken. our whole words crashed in one day. regardless of the day's events we joined together, dropping everything that was going on to come together and sit. we sat in silence, holding hands, crying, trying to make reason of this senseless accident. i always knew the world my friends meant to me, but that day it was evident that nothing could ever break us, the more tragedy we faced, the closer we would become. i've never felt so emotionally close to so many people at one time. they have inspired me and have shown me true love, the type of love that comes from support and care, the kind that simply only comes in true relationships. without them i couldn't face the world, i wouldn't be able to stand up to the daily tragedies that continuously try to hold me back. i wouldn't have been able to face this challenge, the challenge of saying good-bye, and knowing that at the end of the day it would be ok.

sensible heart

human beings waste so many seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, and even decades living in fear. fear that they will never be able to achieve all that they dream of. even smaller dreams, dreams of finding love, finding stable jobs, getting an education, dreams that are so ordinary to the everyday man. over a hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin, the man who discovered electricity, shared his secret of success. "Never leave for tomorrow what you can do today" he said. If man weren't so afraid of rejection, failure, and decisions, perhaps we wouldn't put so much off.

a wise friend of mine deligently follows her horoscope and has recently got me hooked. today, oddly enough, my emotions lie at the core of my aries reading. it states:
you need to be presistent, and yet keep a low profile as far as love is concerned, espeically with the planetary transits of the day. any brash or inapporpriate delcarations of love may have the opposite effect on someone you badly wish to influence. you are ususally very disciplined about these matters anyway, but this person needs handling with kid gloves. if you think it is really worth it, then keep going!

when the cosmic magic around me is telling me to hold back, franklin's advice scares me of the cosequences that jumping into something brings. my mentor once told me "the faster you get into things the faster they fall". i'm one to preach on living for today, but with you i'm going to sacrifice. i'm going to play the waiting game, and leave my heart out a little longer. make sure i am not gambling more than i am willing to loose.

inception.

the worst part about it all, is when you get to know that person that was so perfect in your mind, and you realize that their not so perfect.

my heart goes out to you.

in an instant it can be over. the reality of the past 24 hours sickens me. it's terrifying. it's the most heart wrenching experience. each and every day we need to enjoy it. live for the possiblities that take us away to a place where we happiest. buy those extra shoes, take that extra shot, dance that extra hour, sing that extra minute, hug that person an extra second, love that extra person, and laugh those extra minutes. take gratitude in what you have and who you have. ensure that everyone around you knows how much you truly love them. each and every day. you just never know, and it's only through tragedy that you learn these things. just do it. do what you need to do to not ever look back and say "i wish i had done that".

silence.

i hate the silence. it always leaves me alone with my thoughts. the words in my head that spin myself into a metamorphosis of insanity. the words that scream the loneliness of my inner core and scream out the truth at a magnitude louder than blazing sirens. the quiet brings about all i don't want to think. the words that whisper at the speed of my light and continue with no resistance. silence scares me, why, because it only screams the truth.

everybody hurts.

Don't know, Don't know if I can do this on my own
Why do you have to leave, me
It seems, I'm losing something deep inside of me
Hold on, onto me

Now I see

Everybody hurts some days
Its okay to be afraid
Everybody hurts
Everybody screams
Everybody feels this way
And its okay
Its okay

It feels like nothing really matters anymore
When you're gone
I can't breathe
And I know you never meant to make me feel this way
This can't be happening on me

Now I see
Everybody hurts somedays
Its okay to be afraid
Everybody hurts

to the person who showed me it would be ok.

I can be tough, I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all
There's a girl that gives a shit
Behind this wall you just walk through it

And I remember

All those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
Right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

what i'd do to have you here.
i never want to let go.

l.o.v.e.

something that is rare in this life....love.
either you have it, you don't, or you unhappily have it, or your constantly longing for it. those who have it are rare. those who don't are constantly seeking it, and those who unhappily have it wish they didn't. it's seems hard to find people who have been happily in love for several years. i have studied human sexuality and have learned theories that humankind is not naturally monogamous, and the more i look around the more i see that this theory may not necessarily be a theory. it's scary for a hopeless romantic to view the reality of love and the rareity it is found. not every princess will get their prince and that's a harsh reality to face. instead we have been forced to settle. settle because it is better than being alone, or so we are told. i've settled a few times and always find myself much happier alone. i guess all i can do is remain a hopeless romantic and keep waiting for that other mate. Hopefully if they ever come, i'll have waited long enough to understand what i need and become part of that small precentage that is truly happily in love. i have huge fear though, doubt that that reality is of any truth.

glass.

there could be a million people around you and you could still feel lonely. loneliness creeps up at you at the most unsuspected time. walking around the middle of London, out dancing with your friends, or sitting around the kitchen table at dinner with your family, it still manages to find you. with all the money in the world, a great career, loneliness still breaks down a person's emotional shield. it shatters your happiness and brings you to a realization that you only have yourself in the world, and you must do what it takes to keep surviving, alone.

shatter.

it's hard to be me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. with all the pressure and expectations i struggle to be me. i struggle to constantly stand for what i believe, to share my opinion, and to the person i want to be. i get lost in the crowd so easily, loosing all control, turning into the self that is not mine. perhaps one day when i've fully become confident in myself i won't have to lead a double life.

grief.

the tragic feeling that i will never see you again overwhelms me at least once a day. i'm still grieving, and have been for over a year. i'm lost and confused and stricken by a sick feeling of pain that consumes my breathing whenever you pop into mind. some days i daydream what would happen if we ever saw each other again. would you even recognize me? it's a dream that is beyond ever becoming a reality because you are gone, and the time i spent with you is something i will sincerely cherish and remember for the rest of my life. if life were even a little bit fair you would be here, here with me. it's like the constant scene in a movie that continuously replays in my head, the last moment, where you told me i'd be great. i thought you'd should know that i will hold onto those words forever.

grow up already.

i get boggled down by people's selfishness and immaturity, or lack of understanding. I take it so personally, consuming so much time thinking about why no one else understands. There are some poeple in my life I constantly feel like shaking, some whom I've wanted to grow up for some time now. it's hard to sit there and realize that sometimes you gotta deal with life on your own because no one is there to understand the situation as much as you do. Sometimes you just have to suck up the uncaring shitty comments and lack of doing anything at all because they will never get it. but when they need you, the expectations will turn, and you MUST say the right thing at the right time and be there at the drop of a hat, even if the situation is half of the situation you went through. sad isn't it?

visions

no matter how high the stakes, you just got to go with your gut, and maybe, just maybe, that's where you were meant to be in the first place.

dysfunctions.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

--Rita Mae Brown

Sanity is a cozy lie.

--Susan Sontag

disappear.

the more i think about it, the less i was able to share with you.

the whole game

we spend our whole lives working, working towards that one goal. making lots of money and having a family. i don't really understand why. when you achieve all that you just become old, face sickness and life ends. seems really unfair. instead of enjoying life throughout, we waste it. we end up alone, mentally exhausted waiting to die in rooms that we barely know. why? why do we spend all of this time focusing on the material of money, killing ourselves for the best career neglecting the important stuff that make us happier just so we can pay off our debt faster or buy a brand new car. why not instead travel the 7 great seas, spend the weekends in bed with the person we love, or waste our time singing at the top of our lungs in the middle of the street with the people that make us laugh the hardest. instead we set our alarm clocks, drive to that ever so important career for 50 somewhat years, and then "retire", which ultimately in my opinion is just a more flattering word for waiting to die. why? why waste our life? for what?

rocky

a sense of clarity to about to embark. i'm not sure if i'm ready to see the results yet.

deja vu.

it was the worst of memories, one of the most painful, and one that literally makes the world stop. the elevator doors opened, the bed came out and the face of delusion and confusion worn by the patient. Causing commotion, i stopped dead in my tracks, trying to figure out if it was you, trying to remember where I was at that given moment. Stricken by harsh confusion, I caught my breath and was brought back to my senses, remembering that you were safe at home. the deja vu then ended.

hit me in the face

if coincidences are fate or meant to be then fate just hit me in the face. you have given me a sign of a million, showing me something that i need to capture. i believed in fate, and signs, but never really destiny. it always bothered me that you could never change your plan. but the more i grab onto the signs around me destiny seems to be everything i wanted. it seems to always be the oppurtunities that make me happiest. i just hope i'm reading my signs correctly.

fear is grey.

the only thing holding me back in this life is me. my fear, and my inability to get what i want. "fear is the inner regard of something you may want so bad but hold yourself from achieving." I once heard that quote and disagreed, but the more i fixate on it, the more i start to believe it. we usually run from the things we want, and the things that make us happy.

plans.

we were gonna drive across the country, live in Spain or Italy.
we were gonna climb to the top of the Eiffel tower, stay up all night for the meteor shower.
we are still young enough.
we still got time.
it's not too late.

we were gonna swim with sharks, memorize the pattern of the stars.
we were gonna fall in love, realize sometimes it's not enough.
we are still young enough.
we still got time.
it's not too late.

what you don't know you may never know
if you let this moment go.
it's not too late, to keep this plan we've made.

i keep dancing on my own

as much as i want a relationship right now, i believe it's the farthest thing from what i actually want. before anyone can promise anything to another, they need to be certain with themselves first. they need to be able to live on their own without fully grasping onto something or someone else in which they will believe will make them whole. being whole is an individual process. like the wisest woman ever said-- coming together as two wholes only makes the circle deeper.

for now, i'll just keep dancing on my own.

define it

i dreaded the day when i would no longer be able to fit in the comfort of space that i have occupied throughout my life. the space that defined me for so long. it's time now to move into a bigger definition, one that is not entirely defined. people go across the world to find that definition, they push away love, and live in misery to ensure that their definition isn't changed. i've done all those things, finding comfort in my constant definition. but that's an impossible path to take. the definition needs to change as the days go by, and the desire for a new definition needs to be embraced in order to live as a full person. i've realized that now. i've realized how important change is, and that nothing is meant to stay the same. i've realized that finding your definition cannot be found on a different continent, or through a new love, but can only be found in the daily mishaps and struggles that force us to challenge our own perceptions of ourselves.

at the end of the day, my life's a lesson. i'm a life lesson.

we can never forget.

the people you meet everyday in your life have significant impact. they can ruin or break you in a second. today is a significant day that i can never forget, as someones actions broke down the life of one of my best friends forever. a year ago today you took your life and created chaos. i hope you are at peace, and i hope she finds peace too.

be careful whom you meet, because everyone is selfish, and everyone is on their own time. make sure you don't collide into the time of another, because the results can be disastrous. the little scars never seem to fade away, and the pain is never really full at ease. the stars in the sky will always remind us of that.

r.i.p, i hope you are at ease.

a full heart.

if i could write you a love song, i'd write ten. i would tell them all what it feels like. how it breaks you away and keeps you insane. i would tell them that the pain is worth it, and the loss is great. i'd tell them to fall for it as much as they can.

-jlmr

wanting memories.

i will never be able to let go of this day.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.


it always makes me cry.

disgust.

how do you become less repulsed by a time of your life? how do you live everyday without thinking of how you can erase a time from everyone's minds? how can you live without regretting someone who absolutely disgusts you?

a thrill that will kill.

it's a sick fix i have, getting thrilled over the simple fact that you are all still the same. the three of you, still the exact same. keep blaming everyone else around you and see how much further you will get. it's sick really, but to see you drown in it all just reminds me everyday that you will never change and it's time to give up on you and move on. it always going to be the same.

the opposite of truth.

getting to know someone is not always the best. the more you get to know someone the less perfect they become. meet someone perfect, and then never look for them again, that way they will always remain perfect in your head.