goodbye 2010

so it's time to be cheesy and pour my heart out.

this year. a big clusterfuck.

to be thankful for:
-my experience in England.
-the ability to travel to Italy, France, Scotland and various parts of England.
-my unbelievable mother who supported me through this past year.
-my friends for supporting me/giving me some of the best memories of this year.
-my lovely grandparents who also supported me this year.
-the ability to criticize myself continuosly and realize my own mistakes and abilities.
-being rejected. you never realize how much you learn about your ability to cope without being rejected.
-the ability to cry.
-the ability to feel happiness.
-meeting my new friends all over the world who have become my family and the most caring friends i could ask for (ie: maria, maria, tat, vic, and emma).
-getting my Master's degree (and it being awarded with excellence)
-throwing myself into new situations that I would have never done in the past.
-building my own family. blood does not equal family.
-sticking up for myself more, and realizing that those who make you miserable have no place in your life.
-surviving on my own on a different continent.
-having the ability and the skill to be alone and not need something or someone to define me by.
-recognizing who i am and being happy about it. coming to terms that i am not abnormal.
-having an angel of a surgeon to repair my eye.
-meeting new friends.
-not focusing on other's opinions of me (although i still have a lot of work ahead of me on this)
-being vulnerable and letting people into my emotional relam and into my heart.

i'm writing a book, have you heard?

"when i have my own story, i'll write you all letters. despite the hard feelings and contrary to the advised advice not to do so, i believe that it would be in the story's best interest to move forward with this regard. for the writing's sake, it would complete the mindless and distressful thoughts. it would project all the proper feelings that would go with each piece. i'm not yet a swell writer, so writing to all antagonists, or real friends in this matter, would perhaps also clear the tension, and outlawed air. perhaps i'm rather pompous and pretentious for assuming that the story would want to be read, however this twisted culture thrives on the notebooks of young women who have published their thoughts that tend to float in between the barriers of the deemed pathological and acknolwegded."

you though would want to read it. if it would give you a chance to critque me, then you will be the first in line. i know i will never be wrong on this point.

it's days like these.

i believe today, december 25th, the biggest North American holiday is the saddest day of the year. today is painful and brings back the most haunting memories for me, and for a lot of people. it stirs up the hurt of great loss and unfortune. i personally, have lost half of my family, and on this day, i count down the minutes until the day is over and my fake smile can be tucked away. the second where i can return to my room, let out my tears, and remember what today is really about. i'm not a grinch or a scrooge, and to me christmas is about the chrisitan faith and their great leader, rather than the commercialization and commodification importance the West has tragically turned this day about.

to my family who is spread amongst several countries in the world, to those who i have lost, and to those who are no longer in my life, i miss you all. your memories haunt me today. and to the one person who has tortured this day for me, i still do wonder if you are thinking about me today, and if you are you should be ashamed. ashamed that your selfishness has taken over another holiday, and again for the 23rd year you have yet to think about anyone else around you.

this blog is a toast, a toast in writing to all those today who are alone, or who are missing their great loved ones far or gone, to those who are struggling to provide food for their families. this is to you and your strong hearts, for getting through the day, for perservering and demonstrating the fortitude of human kind. you are the most brave of all.

my path.

when you set out your life plan, it never turns out the way you plan it. there always tends to be bumps and curves that steer you into a complete different direction. people that you meet turn your heart a different way and soon enough you are following a new path. looking back 5 years now my life had one plan, one goal. the simple most obvious plan as a young woman- to marry my high school sweet heart, have babies, and build my white picket fence. 5 years ago, that was my designed destiny. to think back now and see myself dreaming of that saddens me. it makes me think of all the wasted potential that dream endured. 2 years after that initial plan, the plan quickly begin to change. with the help of one very powerful woman, who opened my eyes to a life i never knew existed, the thought of babies, a husband and white picket fence turned into further education, getting rid of that high school sweet heart and finding a passion in humanitarian work. 3 years after that initial thought, i sit here, a grad school graduate, world traveller, and well, i'll just say a not-so-bourgeois type of person. so i have stopped making plans. i have no idea where i will be in 5 years, perhaps resorting back to the dream of the picket fence, babies, an international volunteer or the next prime minister. who knows. my dream right now is to concentrate on today. what will make me happy today? who will make me happy today? and most importantly, how can i make those around me happy today.

a mess.

for one day i just want to have the confidence that everyone else has. the ability to be proud.

how much longer do i have to wait

everything that is done is not enough. everyone expects so much more. it's tiring. everyone requires a different piece, a different remembrance, a different way of thinking and it's hard. i have tried for so many years, thinking that i have made it for myself, thinking that i have created something that people would want. but they don't, there is always so many more expectations. it's overwhelming and tiring and i'm about to give up. apparently i'm just not good enough. no one gives anyone a break, they don't. everything they have told us is lies. we are in hell now.

the dress is green

when i was a young girl i always dreamed that one day i would get to wear a big dress. the fanciest most princess dress that could ever be bought. With a sweet-heart neckline, a long train, and a big bow at the back. But as i grew older, that dream faded, and the dress got tighter, less princess-like, and shorter. Now i dream of lace, wrapped around my neck with buttons all down my back, with the dress stopping above the knee. my dreams of that perfect day have faded into everything that is out of the ordinary. they have become fixated on that person rather than that dress. they have become situated on the value of that one special occassion that once involved a big drss. the materialistic that once brought me such great fantasy now brings me great sorrow.

when i think about it today, the dress is green. green brings out my eyes. i think they will like me in green.

delicate.

thousands of lies, thousands of scars, thousands of cries, thousands of seconds wasted.

a thousand and one, i changed my mind, and now i'm feeling indifferent and undefined.

i'll give you today.

I was never allowed to mourn you. I was never allowed to grieve. I was never allowed to cry or be upset, because you were seen as 'not good enough' for me to everyone else around me. I never had the chance to cope with the hurt feelings, and never had the chance to properly find closure. no one ever let me. they ended everything for me. i wasn't allowed to express feelings with you throughout it all. no one wanted to support it. and now you are gone, and i feel lost, there are things that i wanted to tell you that i never got the chance to do. i'm gonna take today to mourn and remember you, because you should be remembered, if not by everyone else, but by me. i owe you that at the least.

sinking.

everything just goes by so fast while i sink away into all of this.
it's beyond the measures of help.

you

my fear keeps me away from dreams and happiness. i still haven't overcome it.