crush.

you are my first crush.
i finally have one.

in the end, it's all me.

The biggest tragedy I believe is not knowing who you are. It’s my weakest point. How can you confuse yourself so much? You can’t really know anything unless you know you. Day after day I wake pleasing everyone else, not doing anything for me, trying to be at the hand of everyone else. For the last year, I changed that. I decided that I was going to set off, do something great, overcome my fear and be me. But it never happened. All I did was repeat the same mistakes I have always done. Maybe that’s just me then, a pushover, a person who can’t really speak their mind, a person who dreams but never really acts. A follower and not really leader.

Upon returning to my safety net, I made one promise to myself, I promised that I would be happy. To do whatever makes me happy. Hang out with the people that make me smile, that have shown me the values of friendship and support. So I did that, I broaden my social network, threw myself into new experiences, only to realize that perhaps this wasn’t the answer I have been searching for. Instead it was only a small bridge to make me realize the big picture. The big picture being me. My identity. Myself as a whole person.

I realized that knowing yourself is not about being a leader, or being social. It’s about looking very deep into yourself. We can describe characteristics that describe us. But that list changes as you grow and develop and face hardships. Knowing yourself, to me anyways, has become the ability of knowing yourself deeply. Knowing what challenges have created you as an entity. What battles have layered your conscious of emotions. Knowing what breaks you down, and knowing how to cope with it all. Anyone can become that big superstar, doctor, lawyer, professor, but it’s not about that. It’s about the mechanisms that keep you going each and every day.

Right now i’m still struggling. Going through major changes and learning new things about the people I have known for 23 years. So I can’t know myself fully, I can’t know how I will react to each new situation, but I can describe how I will feel emotionally, and how those emotions will affect me tomorrow. I can tell you what purely makes me happy, deep down, not the materialistic commodities that surround my life. I’m still learning, as I will be when I reach the age of 50. With maturity and practice comes great success they say. After 23 years and a carton full of baggage, I’m ready to embrace the rest of the challenges of my life, because they are only going to get harder. At some point, we all have to surrender, take a leap back, breathe, and realize that it’s all going to be okay.

sympathy

i'm tired of explaining the situation. i don't want to hear about it. i'm tired of dwelling on the past. thinking about it doesn't do me any good. people always assume i want to talk about it, they feel sorry for me, like it's something tragic. tragedy is accompanied by misery, and i'm not miserbale. i believe it's for the best, meant to be part of the plan. i'm not sure how much i believe in destiny, but somehow if this incident never happened to me, the rest of my life wouldn't have, so i guess destiny accompanies tragedy.

leave it

if someone has more baggage does that make them more wise? or does it simply make them dangerous? i think it makes them more promising, less fearful of risks.

i have more baggage than my own age. the bitter sweet life i have lived is more than some want to discuss. if you can't handle it then leave it. you're not welcome to know it.

this is why my blogs don't make sense. it's only a cluster fuck of emotions.

Dear Y

Thank you for messing me up for the rest of life. Thank you for being so psychotic and disrespecting everything I wanted. Thank you for breaking all my trust for the rest of my life. You left me with nothing, nothing but having your little finger wrapped around my brain so that you can manipulate me whenever you want. I can never let go what you did.

It's so unfair that you now realize what you did was so so wrong. It's not fair that no one else has to go through what i went through. It's unfair that no one else will get to see how you really are. The way you turn. I wish i could tell them all, but I can't and I won't because it is below me.

thank you for destroying me, turning me into someone i don't even know, someone i don't want to know. a bitter bitch.

my name

i'm desperate for something concrete.
with all the accomplishments and success, loneliness still prevails.
the world is unfair.
it pushes you through at a speed greater than light and at the end of the tunnel, nothing is waiting.
nothing but you and empty space.
nothing but the loneliness of yourself, to wait in the purgatories of transitional air until it's time to move on into nothingness.

what's the point?

fear.

i'm the type of person that is scared of life. i'm scared of everything around me. i'm scared of rejection, and i'm scared of anything going well. perhaps this is due to the fear of change, or the fear of more pain. the fear that another person hurting me is more than i can handle. the fear that i will fall so in love that i will completely lose myself all over again. the fear that i will never regain my strength.

today i learned that life is about getting through those fears. even though they haunt me throughout every minute of everyday, i should forget about the consequences, i should live for the moment, take the chance, otherwise the chance may be gone forever. i'm trying to do this, trying to make myself more spontaneous, trying to do what makes me happy. it's hard though, and takes a lot of time and experience to get to the point where you don't care what everyone around you thinks or wants you to do.

a year and a half ago i took a big step, made a decision that at the end of the day made me extremely happy. it had consequences, but not very big ones, the people that loved me are still around today and the ones that didn't agree with my decision, well there wasn't many anyways, aren't around which in the end was for the better.

i guess i can learn a lot from my own experience, learn that it will be ok. doing things for me and taking chances that have ultimate risks may lead to the better. they may also not, but at the end of the day, if they don't, i have the support system and a network of friends around the world that can get through my day until i have recuperated my strength. and i will recuperate, everyone always does.

mess.

i don't know how to get out of this mess. will you please send me a sign, tell me what to do.

oh the unspeakable things.

in the beginning

i have given a lot up for you too. we all have. and even though you have given up your life, and everything you ever had, i'm trying too, trying to make it better. it doesn't mean I'm ready for everything to just drastically change. even though it has. i would give up my world for you a hundred times and i hope you know that. but you have to remember who was here before he was. remember that through those times, i was there. i saw everything, and have fresh memories. i wish i could tell you i'm a wreck, a complete basket case on most days. but i won't surface the pain in front of you. i don't think you can handle it. i'm still grieving, and i will be for a long time to come.

really?

please don't talk to me to prove something. grow up and talk to me because you want to talk to me. nothing is every going to change with you. you're just you.

the day of the dead.

yesterday was the day of the dead.

i remember when you taught me that death was beautiful, you told me it was a good thing, you told me it was meant to happen. i guess that's why the dying leaves in the fall are pretty, and the values of life are only discovered through death.

it's sad that we continue to spend the day of the dead as a materialistic commodity and forget about the tradition of celebrating the lives that have left this world.

it's always the little lessons you taught me that keep me grounded. keep my head from being consumed by mindless power. thank you.