innocence.

my heart sank last night. i saw you again, it's been months. this time we said hi. i can't wait until that moment happens again.

karma.

i hope it's true what they say, you sink in your own misery after you create it.

goodluck with this one. you are never going to get out of it, and i know, you secretly love it. bitch.

my little secret.

sometimes i just sit and wonder, wonder if you have any remorse, any regret, feel any pain. i wonder if you are thinking about me, thinking if you even want to know me. my heart was broken for a long time over the thought that you didn't care about all the hurt you caused. you just blamed everyone else for your mistakes. i guess people don't think before they reproduce. they just act, without any concern of the concesequences of having a child. some neglect the idea that a child is forever, not for just how long you decide to care for it. the hurt that you have caused in my life will never go away, and no one can understand how deep that hurt lies. the thought of you immediately brings tears to my eyes. it erases all my happiness. i wonder if that will ever stop. i wonder how that pain that has been encased within my soul will continue to effect me everyday. i guess we are all neglected, it's just truly hard when that neglect is from a father.

my choice.

i love it how people assume that i can read their mind. i know their schedules, when i am supposed to call them, ultimately when i am supposed to put in the effort. it's incredibly hard when the effort is always only one way. my life, i have spent catering to everyone around me, so when i got sick of it, i took a few months to myself and stopped catering. i let those who wanted to cater to me, show me that they had appreciated all my catering and wanted to return it. i learned a lot. i saw things that changed everything, changed them in ways i don't think they can ever go back to.

take the smart advice, you, yourself, can only make you happy. others don't. they won't. aside from your life partner, or parents (and even they can be a let down) you are alone in this world. everything you do, every choice you make only effects you in the end. your happiness is essentially your choice, and if people don't like it because that means you are not their caterer anymore then those people might not be worth catering to anyways.

some of the best advice i have ever been given is---keep those who make you happy in your life, the rest you don't need.

this is what you did.

i never give anyone a chance, and i think it's all your fault. im scared everyone is going to turn out like you.

dream

i dreamt of you last night. we were happy. probably the best dream i've had in awhile. you loved me, and it worked. perhaps the dream was a prediction. perhaps it was not. i secretly hope it was. i will love you too.

brick wall.

change is inevitable. it happens every millisecond of every day. most people hate it, as the hurt and pain that automatically become attached to it. i guess change can be good, even when we don't want it to happen. it shakes you up, forces you to see what brick wall your about to hit. most importantly it shows you what you might loose, or have already lost. it teaches you things nothing else in the world can. it shows you a complete new perspective. whether you are ready or not, it shows you what's true. even if the truth has been there the whole the time.

i love you not.

today i am going to make a promise to myself that i should have made a long time ago.

i promise to never let myself tell another that i love them unless i actually do.

becasue, most of them have been lies.

you.

my undying problem

i figured out my problem.

i am attracted to, and vastly attract, people who are SELFISH. if you are selfish, we will probably date one day. Or at least converse for 3-4 months, and you will boss me around, treat me like shit, but i will take it, day in and day out, until i snap, and then it's over and i'm on to the next pathetic self absorbed asshole who, when looks out into the world only sees themsevles.

perhaps one day i'll learn. until then, biological magnet, attract the next weirdo/sick/self-absorbed/twisted/pathetic/no social skills loser please.

death.

Death is a funny thing. We are always running from it. In Tibet they prepare for it. From a child you are taught how to die. To the spiritual world death is a transformation, into the great eternity. In the West, death is a tragedy, a transformation into the unknown. If we were trained how to die, essentially, we would live better. We would live happier, living each day to the fullest. Whatever that might be. Appreciating every moment of every day. Our souls would always be prepared. And our sorrows always forgiven. Instead, we spend our days running from death. Hiding from it and trying so hard to prevent it. Hiding from the true values and realizations of life.

sorrow

confusion. one scary thing. scarrier than any other emotion.

and to be confused about your whole life feels like drowning into emptiness.

a thank you.

"a teacher affects eternity: she can never tell where her influence stops".


i realize now how important you were in my life, and how much i actually do need you.

stop hoping

everyday i wish i could i see you again. in every place i go i hope that i will magically meet you there. there are no words to describe how much i miss you.

i'm talking to you.

and what if all we joked about came true? what if all we laughed about wasn't just a joke, what if it was a secret I was secretly hoping for? i don't want to make the wrong decision. I want you to show me how you really feel. I'm not going to lie, I am scared. Very scared. What if we can't turn back time and remove all the hurt if it doesn't work. Too many what if's. Too many fears. How about we just live. live like we have found each other. found what we have been looking for for all of our lives. why are we wasting time? love is all that is time.

values.

time is all you have. and you may find one day that you have less than you think. so don't waste it.

do what makes you happiest.