barriers.

brick walls are there for a reason. they give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

change.

"When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientists crazy
because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy.
Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's
the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to
what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we
cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on
believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this
lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change
that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second
chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it
can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another
chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again."

cosmic love.

it's always better than before.

what comes is better than what came before. through every choice we make, through every decision, and every person we choose, they are always better than what we choose before. until the perfect one is found, we will keep choosing.

take me back to the good old days.

right now, at this point in my life, i'm not okay.
i feel like i'm bitter, tired, jaded, annoyed, and extremely frustrated.
i keep asking when life will turn right.
but perhaps it never does. perhaps this is it. for the next 5 decades or how many ever it takes for me to find my peace. maybe this is what we should all expect, living day to day running around to complete useless tasks that occupy our time but have no real purpose. waste our energy and emotions on things that really don't matter. it's sad isn't it? it's sad that at my age i already feel tired from life, i feel like the fun is over. i guess this is part of the process, it's part of the change that occurs in your mid-twenty crisis that i think everyone begins to go through. As Hannah had once mentioned, the day you leave undergrad, nothing will ever be the same. she was right. once you leave a place that has defined you for the past 19 years, ie: school, there is nothing left to define you, nothing left to distract you from the daily horrors of life. You are on someone else's time now, working for them. it's sad, but true. life is hard, and this is just the beginning.

i guess this is why alcohol was invented.

you will never understand.

you will never understand how much i want you to leave me alone. what's done is done, it's over and too much has come and gone. your crazy excuses don't guilt me, they push me away farther and farther. I'm at the point now where i regret you. I regret the day i gave you my email. i wish i could erase you from my life. please, please, please, just leave me alone.

commitment

commitment. a very scary word to most. with commitment comes great sacrifices. with commitment comes great fear, and great loss. it can also come with great love. however, i have yet to see that form of commitment. that form that is bound together through trust and love. throughout my life, commitment has haunted me. it has scarred me, and my friends, and reveled the true sides of some. for me, personally, it's a big step. a big step i'm not always sure i'm ready to make. today, the topic of commitment has disappointed me once again, and left me with another broken heart. i hope that some day, someone will change this disappoitment, my hopes though of this, at this point in my life are slim.

society.

smile, let me take your picture.
don't you know you're always under the scrutiny of others.
everyone is always watching; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
you're always on show, society never takes a break.
it's always there to judge you.

too analytical

today i hate the most about myself is that i can't keep my mind made up.
i try so hard to always just know. my major flaw--that i can never 'just go with the flow.'

my actress

i love one of my best friends maria so much.
i hope this year she can find strength and overcome everything she has been through.
when someone is so kicked down by life i constantly hope that something will give for them. there has to be balance of bad and good, doesn't there?

sometimes i wonder why such good people in life are always submersed with bad things. why is negative energy constantly following her.


r.i.p, she will never forget you.

another rant about finding yourself.

There comes a point when desperation becomes reality. when i lose myself to be something that is not me. All of my close friends tell me with experience your soul is unveiled; you become aware of your true aspirations, your dreams, opinions, and desires. You get to the know the part of you that drives your daily function. But when something happens, something or someone comes into your life so uncontrollable and throws everything that you have claimed to be 'what you are' off balance you begin to question everything you have believed in. You begin to feel lost in touch with your inner being. Many philosophers, wise mentors, and loved ones, in my life, have claimed that sometimes life is predetermined, set by a master plan, controlled by that 'gut feeling' or 'little voice'. So then that leaves me with so many questions, confused with the idea that experience is meant to hurt us. Is it meant to beat us down and hold us there until we curl into a ball and can't take it anymore? If right now, this year, I am supposed to get mixed into things that are not 'normally' me, things that will cause me to lose myself once again and essentially reveal another layer of my core, I feel belittled. I feel incapable of being heartbroken once again. I am not sure why you are in my life right now since i know deep down you are everything I stand against, and worse, I know you are going to hurt me, but there still lingers in my heart a reason i can't let you go yet. I think the reason might be--in the short time i have known you, you have revealed to me parts of myself i never knew i stood for, and there not necessarily always good things. But things worth revealing, things worth knowing.

true colours

people are scary. when there true emotions come out it's a scary thing.
i wonder if that is with everyone, or if one day i will love the scariness of a person.

note

they might forget what you said, but they won't forget how you made them feel.