patience

one of the hardest challenges I always tend to face is my struggle with patience. I tend to jump from one thing to the next because i dont want to be lost in transistion. I dont want to be undefined. I do everything without thinking it all the way through. it has come back to haunt me many times, and still today, after making this mistake several times, i sit here and repeat it again. im searching for something i dont even know what im searching for. its frustrating and daunting. in the end, im going to have to wait anyways, so i mind as well slow down, enjoy the transition time and wait for it, because my forceful nature is not bringing it along any faster.

balance.

perhaps karma and fate are true, you can't have everything, there has to be a balance. perhaps that's the way life works, when you deem your life as fabulous, the balance just doesn't work right, and things become broken.

it's only you.

when you are an infant you are completely dependent on your parents.
when you are a child you are dependent on your parents, family, teachers, and other children.
when you are a teenager you are dependent on your friends.
when you are a young adult you are dependent on your girlfriend or boyfriend.
when you are an adult, you are dependent on another adult.
when you are a full adult you are a dependent on you.

in the end, you got yourself. yourself to live with, yourself to cope with, yourself to get angry with, yourself to admit to, yourself to love, yourself to hurt, and yourself to do what only you truly want to do. you become you, and you can't depend on anyone else to fix or change that. at the end of the day you lie down with you, collect your thoughts, try to put all the pieces together and regardless of who is in the room with you, you can only be you by being dependent on your own self.

remember this for once.

the most important things in life aren't things.

life isn't fair.

I hate the saying "life isn't fair". It isn't fair, so why constantly reiterate it. Everything I have earned in my life, I have worked my ass off for. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I've struggled with all aspects of my life, often scrapping by, barely just making any of the final cut offs. Personally, I feel like all my work has never paid off. It has never taken me anywhere I wanted to be. I am thankful for a lot, but have never been given any breaks. When I look around, there are just some people who get it all. They don't have to work hard, things just simply come to the them with minimal effort. I often ask "how is this fair, how do they get it all?", and i'm most often left with the answer "life isn't fair". Well who chooses what is fair? who decides who has to work hard and who doesn't? Why do I have to struggle to get what most others always seem to be given. And, i'm not ignorant, and relaize that millions have a lot less than I do, but that realization just further spraks my misunderstanding of the issue of "fairness". I'm left to believe that there is no such thing as "fairness" in the world. It just doesn't exist. You are either born with it or not perhaps, and when people say everyone gets their turn, do they really? Because I can mention a long list who get it all but have never and never will get their own. Fairness seeks only the privileged.

adjustment guy.

maybe your born with that set. the plan all drawn out. the adjustment bureau. slapping you back onto plan. regardless of wanting something or not, you have to wait. the time waiting could be years or months, but can only fall into place when it's set to. some big entitiy just drawing out the plans, day in and day out and his angels carrying us through the actions motionless. itsn't that the way people fall into the things? isn't that why we have to be at a certain place at a certain time at a certain second? isn't that the answer.....

right now i'm mad at the plan. whoever wrote it has something against me i think.

why start it?

am i giant joke? why initiate something then pull back? why begin to open up and then completely revert back? why invite me in and then hold back? why start this and then stop? i don't need to be dragged around and played with. your multiple layers scream your insecurities. your selfishness emanates your fear, the fear of actually letting someone close. it's deep with you so i'm going to try a little harder, but you got to budge, at least a little.

birthday.

it's days that matter the most that are the biggest disappointments. i have big expectations, i'm a big dreamer, and set myself up to always expect the worst. tomorrow is my birthday. i dislike my birthday. it brings back awful memories of being tormented and ridiculed because the attention would be on me for one day. i never enjoyed. my mother is the only person i ever remember trying on my birthday. she would do everything in her power to try to make me happy and get the perfect gifts. for once, i would really like to have the day about me. i'm not selfish, i've just never had that. my friends look for the most perfect birthday dress, plan the most perfect parties, celebrate three or more times, and i've just never had that. so every year, at this time i set myself up for disappointment. maybe one year i'll learn that there is no point in hoping. i'm just going to get hurt anyways.

truth or pretend

the choice is there, right in front me, a life of oppression or a life of denial. is it a choice? does anyone choose oppression? do people choose to be constantly hurt, diminished, and broken? do they choose freedom? is it a real choice? are we born into choices? i have two choices, one of pretend, in a world that does not seem real. a world of barbie and ken, or a world of truth, so true the reality is breathless. i'm not good at making choices, they are often done to suit others. it might take me a few times to make the right choice. i will circle the right one ten times before landing on it. perhaps there is no real choice, just a mess of paths. in the end though, oppression seems right. it seems to fit more then pretend. i dont want to be barbie and barbie does want to be me. she would be offended. i'll choose truth then, regardless of the consequences.

to friendship.

the past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks my group of friends have endured. at the drop of a hat, the lives of the 6 of us changed, instantly. we were left breathless, devastated, and completely heartbroken. our whole words crashed in one day. regardless of the day's events we joined together, dropping everything that was going on to come together and sit. we sat in silence, holding hands, crying, trying to make reason of this senseless accident. i always knew the world my friends meant to me, but that day it was evident that nothing could ever break us, the more tragedy we faced, the closer we would become. i've never felt so emotionally close to so many people at one time. they have inspired me and have shown me true love, the type of love that comes from support and care, the kind that simply only comes in true relationships. without them i couldn't face the world, i wouldn't be able to stand up to the daily tragedies that continuously try to hold me back. i wouldn't have been able to face this challenge, the challenge of saying good-bye, and knowing that at the end of the day it would be ok.

sensible heart

human beings waste so many seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, and even decades living in fear. fear that they will never be able to achieve all that they dream of. even smaller dreams, dreams of finding love, finding stable jobs, getting an education, dreams that are so ordinary to the everyday man. over a hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin, the man who discovered electricity, shared his secret of success. "Never leave for tomorrow what you can do today" he said. If man weren't so afraid of rejection, failure, and decisions, perhaps we wouldn't put so much off.

a wise friend of mine deligently follows her horoscope and has recently got me hooked. today, oddly enough, my emotions lie at the core of my aries reading. it states:
you need to be presistent, and yet keep a low profile as far as love is concerned, espeically with the planetary transits of the day. any brash or inapporpriate delcarations of love may have the opposite effect on someone you badly wish to influence. you are ususally very disciplined about these matters anyway, but this person needs handling with kid gloves. if you think it is really worth it, then keep going!

when the cosmic magic around me is telling me to hold back, franklin's advice scares me of the cosequences that jumping into something brings. my mentor once told me "the faster you get into things the faster they fall". i'm one to preach on living for today, but with you i'm going to sacrifice. i'm going to play the waiting game, and leave my heart out a little longer. make sure i am not gambling more than i am willing to loose.

inception.

the worst part about it all, is when you get to know that person that was so perfect in your mind, and you realize that their not so perfect.

my heart goes out to you.

in an instant it can be over. the reality of the past 24 hours sickens me. it's terrifying. it's the most heart wrenching experience. each and every day we need to enjoy it. live for the possiblities that take us away to a place where we happiest. buy those extra shoes, take that extra shot, dance that extra hour, sing that extra minute, hug that person an extra second, love that extra person, and laugh those extra minutes. take gratitude in what you have and who you have. ensure that everyone around you knows how much you truly love them. each and every day. you just never know, and it's only through tragedy that you learn these things. just do it. do what you need to do to not ever look back and say "i wish i had done that".

silence.

i hate the silence. it always leaves me alone with my thoughts. the words in my head that spin myself into a metamorphosis of insanity. the words that scream the loneliness of my inner core and scream out the truth at a magnitude louder than blazing sirens. the quiet brings about all i don't want to think. the words that whisper at the speed of my light and continue with no resistance. silence scares me, why, because it only screams the truth.

everybody hurts.

Don't know, Don't know if I can do this on my own
Why do you have to leave, me
It seems, I'm losing something deep inside of me
Hold on, onto me

Now I see

Everybody hurts some days
Its okay to be afraid
Everybody hurts
Everybody screams
Everybody feels this way
And its okay
Its okay

It feels like nothing really matters anymore
When you're gone
I can't breathe
And I know you never meant to make me feel this way
This can't be happening on me

Now I see
Everybody hurts somedays
Its okay to be afraid
Everybody hurts