life isn't fair.

I hate the saying "life isn't fair". It isn't fair, so why constantly reiterate it. Everything I have earned in my life, I have worked my ass off for. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I've struggled with all aspects of my life, often scrapping by, barely just making any of the final cut offs. Personally, I feel like all my work has never paid off. It has never taken me anywhere I wanted to be. I am thankful for a lot, but have never been given any breaks. When I look around, there are just some people who get it all. They don't have to work hard, things just simply come to the them with minimal effort. I often ask "how is this fair, how do they get it all?", and i'm most often left with the answer "life isn't fair". Well who chooses what is fair? who decides who has to work hard and who doesn't? Why do I have to struggle to get what most others always seem to be given. And, i'm not ignorant, and relaize that millions have a lot less than I do, but that realization just further spraks my misunderstanding of the issue of "fairness". I'm left to believe that there is no such thing as "fairness" in the world. It just doesn't exist. You are either born with it or not perhaps, and when people say everyone gets their turn, do they really? Because I can mention a long list who get it all but have never and never will get their own. Fairness seeks only the privileged.

adjustment guy.

maybe your born with that set. the plan all drawn out. the adjustment bureau. slapping you back onto plan. regardless of wanting something or not, you have to wait. the time waiting could be years or months, but can only fall into place when it's set to. some big entitiy just drawing out the plans, day in and day out and his angels carrying us through the actions motionless. itsn't that the way people fall into the things? isn't that why we have to be at a certain place at a certain time at a certain second? isn't that the answer.....

right now i'm mad at the plan. whoever wrote it has something against me i think.

why start it?

am i giant joke? why initiate something then pull back? why begin to open up and then completely revert back? why invite me in and then hold back? why start this and then stop? i don't need to be dragged around and played with. your multiple layers scream your insecurities. your selfishness emanates your fear, the fear of actually letting someone close. it's deep with you so i'm going to try a little harder, but you got to budge, at least a little.

birthday.

it's days that matter the most that are the biggest disappointments. i have big expectations, i'm a big dreamer, and set myself up to always expect the worst. tomorrow is my birthday. i dislike my birthday. it brings back awful memories of being tormented and ridiculed because the attention would be on me for one day. i never enjoyed. my mother is the only person i ever remember trying on my birthday. she would do everything in her power to try to make me happy and get the perfect gifts. for once, i would really like to have the day about me. i'm not selfish, i've just never had that. my friends look for the most perfect birthday dress, plan the most perfect parties, celebrate three or more times, and i've just never had that. so every year, at this time i set myself up for disappointment. maybe one year i'll learn that there is no point in hoping. i'm just going to get hurt anyways.

truth or pretend

the choice is there, right in front me, a life of oppression or a life of denial. is it a choice? does anyone choose oppression? do people choose to be constantly hurt, diminished, and broken? do they choose freedom? is it a real choice? are we born into choices? i have two choices, one of pretend, in a world that does not seem real. a world of barbie and ken, or a world of truth, so true the reality is breathless. i'm not good at making choices, they are often done to suit others. it might take me a few times to make the right choice. i will circle the right one ten times before landing on it. perhaps there is no real choice, just a mess of paths. in the end though, oppression seems right. it seems to fit more then pretend. i dont want to be barbie and barbie does want to be me. she would be offended. i'll choose truth then, regardless of the consequences.

to friendship.

the past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks my group of friends have endured. at the drop of a hat, the lives of the 6 of us changed, instantly. we were left breathless, devastated, and completely heartbroken. our whole words crashed in one day. regardless of the day's events we joined together, dropping everything that was going on to come together and sit. we sat in silence, holding hands, crying, trying to make reason of this senseless accident. i always knew the world my friends meant to me, but that day it was evident that nothing could ever break us, the more tragedy we faced, the closer we would become. i've never felt so emotionally close to so many people at one time. they have inspired me and have shown me true love, the type of love that comes from support and care, the kind that simply only comes in true relationships. without them i couldn't face the world, i wouldn't be able to stand up to the daily tragedies that continuously try to hold me back. i wouldn't have been able to face this challenge, the challenge of saying good-bye, and knowing that at the end of the day it would be ok.