shatter.

it's hard to be me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. with all the pressure and expectations i struggle to be me. i struggle to constantly stand for what i believe, to share my opinion, and to the person i want to be. i get lost in the crowd so easily, loosing all control, turning into the self that is not mine. perhaps one day when i've fully become confident in myself i won't have to lead a double life.

grief.

the tragic feeling that i will never see you again overwhelms me at least once a day. i'm still grieving, and have been for over a year. i'm lost and confused and stricken by a sick feeling of pain that consumes my breathing whenever you pop into mind. some days i daydream what would happen if we ever saw each other again. would you even recognize me? it's a dream that is beyond ever becoming a reality because you are gone, and the time i spent with you is something i will sincerely cherish and remember for the rest of my life. if life were even a little bit fair you would be here, here with me. it's like the constant scene in a movie that continuously replays in my head, the last moment, where you told me i'd be great. i thought you'd should know that i will hold onto those words forever.

grow up already.

i get boggled down by people's selfishness and immaturity, or lack of understanding. I take it so personally, consuming so much time thinking about why no one else understands. There are some poeple in my life I constantly feel like shaking, some whom I've wanted to grow up for some time now. it's hard to sit there and realize that sometimes you gotta deal with life on your own because no one is there to understand the situation as much as you do. Sometimes you just have to suck up the uncaring shitty comments and lack of doing anything at all because they will never get it. but when they need you, the expectations will turn, and you MUST say the right thing at the right time and be there at the drop of a hat, even if the situation is half of the situation you went through. sad isn't it?

visions

no matter how high the stakes, you just got to go with your gut, and maybe, just maybe, that's where you were meant to be in the first place.

dysfunctions.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

--Rita Mae Brown

Sanity is a cozy lie.

--Susan Sontag

disappear.

the more i think about it, the less i was able to share with you.

the whole game

we spend our whole lives working, working towards that one goal. making lots of money and having a family. i don't really understand why. when you achieve all that you just become old, face sickness and life ends. seems really unfair. instead of enjoying life throughout, we waste it. we end up alone, mentally exhausted waiting to die in rooms that we barely know. why? why do we spend all of this time focusing on the material of money, killing ourselves for the best career neglecting the important stuff that make us happier just so we can pay off our debt faster or buy a brand new car. why not instead travel the 7 great seas, spend the weekends in bed with the person we love, or waste our time singing at the top of our lungs in the middle of the street with the people that make us laugh the hardest. instead we set our alarm clocks, drive to that ever so important career for 50 somewhat years, and then "retire", which ultimately in my opinion is just a more flattering word for waiting to die. why? why waste our life? for what?

rocky

a sense of clarity to about to embark. i'm not sure if i'm ready to see the results yet.

deja vu.

it was the worst of memories, one of the most painful, and one that literally makes the world stop. the elevator doors opened, the bed came out and the face of delusion and confusion worn by the patient. Causing commotion, i stopped dead in my tracks, trying to figure out if it was you, trying to remember where I was at that given moment. Stricken by harsh confusion, I caught my breath and was brought back to my senses, remembering that you were safe at home. the deja vu then ended.

hit me in the face

if coincidences are fate or meant to be then fate just hit me in the face. you have given me a sign of a million, showing me something that i need to capture. i believed in fate, and signs, but never really destiny. it always bothered me that you could never change your plan. but the more i grab onto the signs around me destiny seems to be everything i wanted. it seems to always be the oppurtunities that make me happiest. i just hope i'm reading my signs correctly.