pure true wisdom

"We are who we think we are in relation to one another. We are only who we are becoming in relation to one another. This is why sexuality is about how we behave around everyone we meet. Our identity becomes based on our relationships, so when our relationships fail, we no longer know who we are. Self-knowledge is really situated on the ongoing life of sexuality which is continuously changing. We really can only determine what we really want if we know ourselves deeply. By being aware of our choices, we can make the choices we want in order to live our life. When we fully understand ourselves, each choice, experience, and relationship becomes deeper."

--the speech that changed my life forever.

(mentor, april 2009)

difference.pressure.change.

if knowing anything about myself, it's that i am different from a lot of people.
my goal, my dream, my ultimate longing, is to be able to teach people.
teach people about the tragedies of oppression and the loss of equity of agency for those born without privilege. i want nothing more in my life then to one day stand up in front of hundreds of people teaching them about the fundamentals of human rights and great leaders who have altered the social welfare of societies and cultures.

i have a plan. a big one. one that scares me to pieces. one that holds great confidence. one that changes each and every single relationship i hold today. one that requires confidence and leadership, and one that may take me so far away.

dreams ARE scary. they can change everything. they bring you to places you would never believe.

i'm determined to overcome this fear, become this person i've always wanted to be.

experience

It requires something more than personal experience to gain a philosophy or point of view from any specific event. It is the quality of our response to the event and our capacity to enter into the lives of others that help us to make their lives and experiences our own.


--Emma Goldman, 1934

iloveyoukay.

the taste of vodka, oh so bittersweet.
you, me, the tango's sweep.
your apparel, it melts away.
it's fine black.
it's fine white.


love, it's only for the wise eye.
the sun takes it in, the clouds spit it out.

put your umbrealla up because hearts are falling from the sky.

--Kay

already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right,
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

from the bottom of my heart.

today you told me we would have already been engaged for a year. it makes my heart hurt to think back to those times. those times when we spent every waking minute together. planning our life together and building a family. when i think about it now, it makes my stomach turn. i miss you. i'll always miss you. you were my first love and that love will never die.

i am thankful though. thankful that i made that decision. through all the pain i caused, the decision was still the best one. if i didn't break you i would have never been as happy and experienced as i am today. i would have never been myself. i would have never gone to england. i would have never questioned my entire being.

i still thank the person that opened my eyes the most and showed me life can be different, it can be what i want it to be.

as i sit here now, teary eyed, thinking that perhaps today would have been that big day. that day full of expectations, the big white dress, and the day i would have promised you something i would have never meant, i don't regret that big decision. not even a little bit.

performativity

Gender is performative insofar as it is the effect of a regulatory regime of gender differences in which genders are divided and hierarchized under constraint. Social constraints, taboos, prohibitions, threats of punishment operate in the ritualized repetition of norms, and this repetition constitutes the temporalized scene of gender construction and destabilization. There is no subject who precedes or enacts this repetition of norms. To the extent that this repetition creates an effect of gender uniformity, a stable effect of masculinity or femininity, it produces and destabilizes the notion of the subject as well, for the subject only comes into intelligibility through the matrix of gender.

missing

i think about you every single day.
from the first day i met you i think about you.
i know you don't think about me,
but it's okay. i don't mind.

i always pray that you're okay.
if you weren't, my whole world would come crashing down.

i just hope you know how much i miss you.
i think you do know.

i also think you know you'll see me again. one day.
just like the day we met. fate will play its turn and there you will be.
all over agin, like the first day.
i needed you, and you came. showing me completely different ways.



i'll just leave it up to fate, but continue wishing every single day that i see you come my way.

change.

“Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, that gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way of letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember that, amid all the crap, there are a few things worth holding on to.”

specs

they say to make as many contacts in life as possible. to meet as many probable, and keep as many friends as able. without contacts we would go no where, and discover nothing. for every opportunity i have been given, most have been brought on by a contact. close or not, a contact may change your life.




---my mentor

soul mate

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

--Elizabeth Gilbert

courage

JFK said that courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy, a man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures and that is the basis of all morality.

forgiveness

we are puppets, scripted by the creator, predetermined by the master plan.

my purpose, i was told, to learn how to forgive.
forgive and you will seek.

i guess that's why it is so hard to forgive, it's my lesson. my lesson desgined for me.

it's too hard to forgive you, 23 years of damage cannot be forgotton in one day.

it will take an eternity, perhaps longer.

is it even possible for one to fully forgive? for a heart to become fully mended again?

break down.

i'm ready to break down my ice cold shield and find you.

i hope i find you fast because i don't want to wait long.

i'm ready.