fear is grey.

the only thing holding me back in this life is me. my fear, and my inability to get what i want. "fear is the inner regard of something you may want so bad but hold yourself from achieving." I once heard that quote and disagreed, but the more i fixate on it, the more i start to believe it. we usually run from the things we want, and the things that make us happy.

plans.

we were gonna drive across the country, live in Spain or Italy.
we were gonna climb to the top of the Eiffel tower, stay up all night for the meteor shower.
we are still young enough.
we still got time.
it's not too late.

we were gonna swim with sharks, memorize the pattern of the stars.
we were gonna fall in love, realize sometimes it's not enough.
we are still young enough.
we still got time.
it's not too late.

what you don't know you may never know
if you let this moment go.
it's not too late, to keep this plan we've made.

i keep dancing on my own

as much as i want a relationship right now, i believe it's the farthest thing from what i actually want. before anyone can promise anything to another, they need to be certain with themselves first. they need to be able to live on their own without fully grasping onto something or someone else in which they will believe will make them whole. being whole is an individual process. like the wisest woman ever said-- coming together as two wholes only makes the circle deeper.

for now, i'll just keep dancing on my own.

define it

i dreaded the day when i would no longer be able to fit in the comfort of space that i have occupied throughout my life. the space that defined me for so long. it's time now to move into a bigger definition, one that is not entirely defined. people go across the world to find that definition, they push away love, and live in misery to ensure that their definition isn't changed. i've done all those things, finding comfort in my constant definition. but that's an impossible path to take. the definition needs to change as the days go by, and the desire for a new definition needs to be embraced in order to live as a full person. i've realized that now. i've realized how important change is, and that nothing is meant to stay the same. i've realized that finding your definition cannot be found on a different continent, or through a new love, but can only be found in the daily mishaps and struggles that force us to challenge our own perceptions of ourselves.

at the end of the day, my life's a lesson. i'm a life lesson.

we can never forget.

the people you meet everyday in your life have significant impact. they can ruin or break you in a second. today is a significant day that i can never forget, as someones actions broke down the life of one of my best friends forever. a year ago today you took your life and created chaos. i hope you are at peace, and i hope she finds peace too.

be careful whom you meet, because everyone is selfish, and everyone is on their own time. make sure you don't collide into the time of another, because the results can be disastrous. the little scars never seem to fade away, and the pain is never really full at ease. the stars in the sky will always remind us of that.

r.i.p, i hope you are at ease.

a full heart.

if i could write you a love song, i'd write ten. i would tell them all what it feels like. how it breaks you away and keeps you insane. i would tell them that the pain is worth it, and the loss is great. i'd tell them to fall for it as much as they can.

-jlmr

wanting memories.

i will never be able to let go of this day.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.


it always makes me cry.

disgust.

how do you become less repulsed by a time of your life? how do you live everyday without thinking of how you can erase a time from everyone's minds? how can you live without regretting someone who absolutely disgusts you?

a thrill that will kill.

it's a sick fix i have, getting thrilled over the simple fact that you are all still the same. the three of you, still the exact same. keep blaming everyone else around you and see how much further you will get. it's sick really, but to see you drown in it all just reminds me everyday that you will never change and it's time to give up on you and move on. it always going to be the same.

the opposite of truth.

getting to know someone is not always the best. the more you get to know someone the less perfect they become. meet someone perfect, and then never look for them again, that way they will always remain perfect in your head.